Sometimes I hear my friends talking about how great it would be to have kids; how their little booties are so adorable you just want to eat them, and how they have the teeny-tiniest socks on the planet. How their squishy little rolls are to die for and how their skin is so smooth you won’t be able to let them go. They also to go on about their adorable laugh and toothless smiles and I’m just sitting there like “nope”. Yes, fine, they might be adorable at times, but the other 3/4 of the day they’re absolute handfuls. And here, ladies and gentleman, are the 20 reasons you should be thankful you don’t have children:
1. You don’t have a little blubber to waste your delicious peanut butter.
2. The only curry-looking thing you have to deal with is the one on your plate.
3. And you don’t need to deal with what looks like the aftermath of a bad frat party without the fun night.
4. You decorate your walls as you see fit…not a mini dictator.
5. You also decide what to paint and when.
6. And your iPad is strictly used for business only and not a chew toy.
7. You can go to Disney World for yourself and actually enjoy it.
8. You can hang out with the people who actually enjoy stuffing their faces as much as you do.
9. You have access to your toilet at all times.
10. Your sinks are strictly used for hand washing and teeth brushing…not baby chilling.
11. The only pee you need to worry about is from your drunken friends at the urinal.
12. You don’t need to worry about wearing mistakenly matching t-shirts with your friends…because hopefully your friends don’t pee on themselves.
13. You don’t need to fight off a creature on your long-awaited packages…unless you’ve got cats.
14. You can go to bed without worrying about having to clean up this mess.
15. Your couch will never look like Tony Montana from Scarface or Pablo Escobar threw a wild party.
16. You don’t need to witness the grossness that comes with children.
17. You can watch all the bad shows you want with no distractions.
18. Your expensive makeup will never go to waste on someone else’s face.
19. You only need to worry about what goes into your mouth.
20. You can bake in peace.
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