You’ve been lying to me for the longest time. You’ve been lying to me almost every day. You think I cannot tell? It’s been 18 years since we started dating and you’re a terrible liar. When you lie, I can see in your face, I can hear it in your voice. I know for the longest time that you’ve been cheating on me, but I let it slip. Come to think of it; it has been a very long time since you last noticed me. When you wake up, breakfast is ready, you eat, and then you leave. When you get home, dinner is well prepared, you eat and do some paperwork, and then you sleep. I’ve wanted to ask you what’s wrong and communicate but you barely notice my existence. I wanted to know where I went wrong or where I came short so I can make arrangements to meet them for you. But you were barely home. Not even on the weekends. Until such time I found out you’ve been sleeping around with someone for the longest time. I fell apart upon finding out. I can’t understand; I want to understand. I did what I could to be the best other half anyone could have, right? But I held myself back from comforting you, and we went about our regular routine, and this has gone on for another year and more.
Until such time, about a year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. When I told you, you finally cared. You finally noticed my existence. I felt important to you once again. I was happy. I once again is visible on your map. And I thought to myself, ‘I think everything is falling into place.’ Until such time I found out that you were still in contact with that someone and occasionally rendezvoused with them. And once again it’s back to square one, but still, I refused to confront you.
I was already happy at the fact that you were noticing my existence. That you once again, give comments about the food I cook for breakfast before you leave for work, the food I cook for your lunch, and the food I cook when you come home. But I never stopped thinking. Thinking that when you’re away, you are with that person; that whenever your phone gets an SMS notification, it’s them. I cried far too many times, away from your eyes. I didn’t want you to see me when I’m weak. I cried because I know that all I have is your pity. Pity because I was sick. Honestly, I feel like a beggar: a beggar who deserves nothing but spare change; a beggar who deserves only the leftovers given by those who are more fortunate; a worthless trash of society who deserves nothing but to be shunned. I want to run away, but a homeless beggar like me has nowhere to go; no place to come home to.
But don’t worry, honey. I don’t have much time left anyway. Soon you’ll be free to be with them. You won’t have to go around my back anymore. Because by then, I will just be a bitter memory to you; a nightmare you might have always so avoided. To you my love; I’m sorry. I’m sorry If I was not enough. I’m sorry I was not able to fulfill your needs. I’m sorry If I was too much of a coward to speak up. I love you, believe me, I love you so much, and even if you did so much that made me cry, I will still love you.
I hope one day, you’d be able to read this and realize that it’s me. I hope one day you find out that this is the voice I have always suppressed in the last few years of our life together. Honey, you know I love you so much that’s why you are free. Find that person who will make you happy and make you feel content. But I have one request to ask from you: Please do not make that person cry. Do not let them shed even a single tear of sadness and if you did, only tears of joy. Thank you for all the years, sweetheart I love you.
The toughest part of letting go is realizing that the other person already did.
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