#21
While in dental school my friend pulled out several bombed out (technical term) teeth on an adult male. After the procedure was finished and post-op instructions we were given, the man asked, “So when should I expect my new teeth to grow in?” He was serious.
#22
I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.” I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again.
#23
I’m an anesthesia student currently doing my clinical rotations and I had an old guy wake up and the first thing he asked was “do I still have my balls?” and I told him “yep, both of them” and he said “both? Aw you guys are great”
#24
Patient: Doctor, I slipped into the grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six.
#25
I gave my patient the results of her sleep study: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 times per hour.”
Her response: “Did I start back?”
#26
Not a doctor, dental hygienist…
Had to explain that brushing your teeth with Comet ( the cleaner ) was not a good way to clean your teeth to a 40-year-old woman.
Also had to tell a woman that painting her teeth with white fingernail polish was a bad idea.
#27
I once had a patient tell me he needed his decapitation medicine because he was feeling full of shit. I had to think about it for a minute then I realized he was asking for his constipation medication.
#28
Call it … carma! A car belonging to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out, that’s where she was keeping her urine sample, which she’d brought in to be tested.
#29
While I am a doctor, this happened to my wife, also a doctor. Female pt came in complaining of infertility. Said she and her partner had been trying to conceive for like five years and had “tried everything.” At one point she let the pronoun slip “she and I…” and my wife said, “wait, let’s back up a minute.” Turns out the woman had been in a hetero relationship for a few years and never got pregnant despite using no protection. She then entered a same-sex relationship and again never got pregnant even though she really wanted to, leading her to believe she was infertile. When my wife tried to explain that conception requires sperm (sourced from a male) as well as an egg, the pt was incredulous, and exclaimed that she “didn’t need a man in my life” and she didn’t like being judged. Perhaps needless to say the patient was lost to followup.
#30
A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
Patient: I’m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.
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